As Ever I Have

I am an old woman now. Sometimes I find it difficult to stay awake. I try to recall the happy memories of my past. I had more energy then, to come home from work, turn up the music and dance a wild free dance. I would swing my babies up into the air, bear them on my shouted songs til we all collapsed into a giggling mommy pile.

Ah yes, I have had midnight meetings with the moon. I, alone, have stared at his large opaque face and drank in his lonely loveliness. I have felt his subtle sensual call. Years he has waxed and waned. I have yearned to leave this life behind me. To fly to him.

I have driven miles in the dark, music turned high, mind on automatic pilot. Scenes playing out before me on that lonely highway I have blindly driven. I have paused to run down the darkest of those roads. Tears have screamed from my eyes. Screams never meant to be heard.

Hours I have spent on squeaky park swings. Pumping so hard as to reach into my childhood. Windy wind tickling my ears, shrieking childish delight. Head laid back, eyes closed, I would kick my feet out to, almost but not quite, reach that long ago little girl.

Yet here I stand. Still wide eyed. Still innocent. Dancing away from the edge of jaded dullness. Pulling life closer and pushing it away all the same. Drinking in love. Drunk on fear. Unsettled and sated. Searching as ever I have. Looking for answers.

Sara J Rauch 03/10/19

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