As Ever I Have

I am an old woman now. Sometimes I find it difficult to stay awake. I try to recall the happy memories of my past. I had more energy then, to come home from work, turn up the music and dance a wild free dance. I would swing my babies up into the air, bear them on my shouted songs til we all collapsed into a giggling mommy pile.

Ah yes, I have had midnight meetings with the moon. I, alone, have stared at his large opaque face and drank in his lonely loveliness. I have felt his subtle sensual call. Years he has waxed and waned. I have yearned to leave this life behind me. To fly to him.

I have driven miles in the dark, music turned high, mind on automatic pilot. Scenes playing out before me on that lonely highway I have blindly driven. I have paused to run down the darkest of those roads. Tears have screamed from my eyes. Screams never meant to be heard.

Hours I have spent on squeaky park swings. Pumping so hard as to reach into my childhood. Windy wind tickling my ears, shrieking childish delight. Head laid back, eyes closed, I would kick my feet out to, almost but not quite, reach that long ago little girl.

Yet here I stand. Still wide eyed. Still innocent. Dancing away from the edge of jaded dullness. Pulling life closer and pushing it away all the same. Drinking in love. Drunk on fear. Unsettled and sated. Searching as ever I have. Looking for answers.

Sara J Rauch 03/10/19



And, somehow, just like that, summer slides into early fall. Capris are morphing into jeans as are tanks into sleeved tops. Boots peek from below, covering those tanned toes. Happy, laughing, fun, sunny images of summer flash across my Facebook.
My children…. my children’s children, my camp children, my niece’s children have filled my soul to overflowing. I reveled the days long with their sturdy brown bodies running the grass bare on my lawn. Sweating joy, hair sticking up all a mess, screaming and giggling they have branded their muddy-faced memories into my own. Echoes and echoes that cause this heart to ache and rejoice all the same. For who can bear without a smile the sound of children gathered and deeply engaged in play of the imagination.

I hope when I’m old, with only memories to entertain, I hope I still can see those beautiful little princesses galloping towards me, pretty ponies rearing regally, those sweet maidens begging me to ride with them. I pray those fierce pirates will sail their mighty ships into my room, somersaulting with glee and challenging me to a rowdy sword fight upon my bed. I know those memories will swing me so high I will touch the sky and rock me so gently I will never want to awaken.

As fall creeps into my life, ending one more sunny season, I sadly put away these new precious memories and say good bye to my summer children. Maybe my senior years will find me with grown cowboys, pirates, princesses and maidens who come to call in person and to sip on teas as we revel an afternoon or two together in summer time memories. With a tug of my heart and a tear in my eye, I move on to new challenges and new beginnings. I will miss my life as it has been these last few years. I will miss the children who gave their summers to me. Good bye fair maidens and mischievous little men, follow your imaginations, be true and brave and let not a soul dampen your dreams.

~Sara Jane Rauch~ 08/20/2018



Oh Daughter of My Daughter

Oh daughter of my daughter

Oh granddaughter of mine

Beautiful of most beautiful that God can create

Your tiny soul peered up at me

Our age-old destiny set

As our eyes met

Your heart took mine


You smiled at me

Like old soul mates  do.



God’s Angelic Author

She bore twelve children and we just called her mom. We never realized that she was a young woman once, with dreams all her own. We’ve glimpsed old photos of her with sassy pigtails and a tiny waist. But those old photos never whispered the ambitions and aspirations she relinquished to give us life. We only know that our father came home from the war as a young man to find his best friend’s little sister all grown up. Beautifully, she came walking down the steps. Stunned, he looked up and said, ” Why Mary Ellen! You’re all grown up!”  Her blush was to be the very beginning of a beautiful 52 years of life together.


Such a simple lady, living amongst her children, serving her husband, toiling beside him there on that sweet land they loved. A dreamer was she, a lover of words. Many a play day echoed with the sound of her old typewriter clackity-clacking in our ears. Through her writings one could easily realize that when she looked her eyes saw that the dirt was gold, and the trees were majestic, the wind, that blew the leaves, the warm breath of God. Hers were mystical words that created an amazing world.

Her writings were actually little pieces of art. Words and sentences wove together to form one grand masterpiece. When we cut them apart to search for quotes to adorn photos at her funeral, we found that each small sentence was somehow a great piece of wisdom. So beautifully carved  and laid there before us, were they, that we didn’t even realize she was gone. It seemed to me that she was there, just above our shoulder, nudging us and whispering to us.

My niece and I poured over her old photos and simultaneously mused through her writings. Brittany would pull out a photo and magically the sentence I was reading would seem to match right up to that picture. We felt such a closeness to her as we toiled away on our little project. We wanted to stay there drowning in her words and memories. Let tomorrow and tomorrow come and go while we drank her words and relived her life. We felt happy and sad. We felt her presence.


Maybe she had finally reached her highest ambition. The Alzheimer’s fog  would have cleared for her now and  I could imagine her making little memos of the rippling, swooshing wings she witnessed. I could hear her laughter as she scribbled precious words to her Lord. I imagined the twinkle in her eyes as she took note of his incredible creations, painting all of Heaven with her beautiful words.   Perhaps finally she was there at the throne, God’s angelic author.


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